Thursday, January 31, 2008
Then I reach my final destination of the evening, home sweet home. And I RUN up stairs to the kitchen and eat a yogurt or an apple while I wash the dishes or put a load of laundry in the dryer and then I'm still hungry. So I make a sandwich.
Alan has taken to emailing me with recipes from allrecipes.com that he wants me to cook. Awww, he's so cute isn't he? He things I am going to cook for him after a long day at work, going to the gym and then driving an hour home with all the other slack jawed yokel in the world. For me, cooking is about having the time to cook. I'll cook something on the weekend but I just don't feel the need to spend an hour, even 30 minutes cooking something when I can eat a sandwich or miscellaneous items with the same satisfaction. It's not worth it to me.
Who knows what we'll do when we have kids. I was actually thinking about that the other day, oddly enough, when I spied a booger in Alan's nose. I told him he had a bat in the cave and he went to pick it in front of me, proceeded to show it to me and I gagged and dry heaved like I do when I hear or see something gross. I thought "My God, what will I do when I have to change a diaper or clean up vomit and spit up?!?" I told Alan my fears and proceeded to let him know that I was hereby premptively assigning him with that duty. Yea. He laughed. HARD.
Wednesday, January 30, 2008
Break Out the Leotards!
Last weekend we started the first step for our garden. We planted onions, tomatoes, bell peppers, and jalepenos. We're starting those from seeds, so we put them in our little green house and water them twice a day. Once they sprout it will be almost spring and we'll be able to plant them outside, along with the other things we are going to plant like strawberries, watermelons and cucumbers. I'm really excited! I hope it works.
So, anyway, I hope everyone has a great Wednesday and I'll talk to you all soon.
Thursday, January 24, 2008
Miss Priss Does Macroeconomics
The subject of the day is the Economic Stimulus Plan. Basically, we're all going to get $600 dollars from the government in their attempt to stimulate the economy. Couples who file jointly will receive $1200 ($600 a piece) and if you've spawned offspring lately, good news for you! You'll get an additional $300 per kid. President Bush is saying that the package will "boost our economy and encourage job creation." Well, I sure as hell am not going to create a new company with my bonus $1200 check, but in two shakes of a lambs tail I sure will stimulate the economy by purchasing a new bed! How's that for patriotism.
Uh oh, this just in - I read in between the lines. Balls. There is always a catch. You will only be eligible for these checks if you earned jointly $150,000 last year or $75,000 individually. So wait a minute. We are awarding the upper middle class with basically a welfare check? What? Oh man, I've been thinking about this all day and now I realize I'm being screwed. Alan and I did not file jointly last year and even if we would have, we wouldn't have earned $150,000. Puh-leez.
I'm so disappointed, but not surprised.
Why is the government doing this? Because my friends, we are heading towards a recession. Some analysts already define us as in a recession. I'll take a moment and define recession as well as I know how to explain it. It's negative economic growth for two or more quarters a year. Meaning that us Americans are not buying enough product. Therefore, demand goes down. When demand goes down, your supply goes in the shitter. When your supplies go down people get laid off because there is no demand to create the supply. Now I must stress here that it's a perfectly normal, predictable cycle. It happens, it's not the end of the world. However, the way the government handles the next year is crucial as to how bad it could get.
How's that for Macroeconomics in a nutshell?
Tuesday, January 22, 2008
Just Say No, or Yes, Or, What Was the Question?
Since my 21st birthday when I was christened, by a what I now believe to be quack doctor, with bipolar disorder, I have been highly medicated. I have been on a whole slew of antidepressants: Lithium, Effexor, Lexapro, Carbamazepine, Paxil, Wellbutrin, Amitriptyline and my favorite, Xanax.
Let me tell you something about Lithium. It is not only a drug, it is a responsibility and a way of life. When you are on Lithium sodium can build up in your system and you can die. Which is why you have to complete lab tests while you are on it. Of course this is a worse case scenario, but it's serious stuff. I had just turned 21, was living the life of a typical 21 year old and was not ready for such serious medicine. The 2 weeks I was on Lithium I was a zombie. I felt completely numb of any type of emotion and not in a good "hey I just smoked a joint and took a Valium" type of way. I literally felt like an alien on this medicine. So I did what I do best and denied the diagnosis and haven't approached the subject since. Carbamozepine and Effexor are what the doctor put me on after I refused to take Lithium.
Try as they may, they could never take my sadness away.
When I look back at the situation I realize I was completely broken inside. I was going through a lot of issues with my father, I was struggling with whether or not I wanted to move to North Carolina, my brother was, well, my brother was my brother, and I had just moved out on my own. All that normal stress added to a mood disorder or chronic depression, whatever I have, and I was a mess. Since I'm naturally a bubbly person I was putting on a major show every day and not letting anything out. I needed help. And I refused to see a therapist on the thought process of "I don't listen very well, so what's the point?". I was so completely desperate for help and so very very sad and hopeless.
My point is, if I'm trying to make one, when do we stop looking for an answer in the form of a pill? Is treating depression with pharmaceuticals the same as treating a cut with Neosporin? Recommended but not absolutely neccessary? For me, in my life right now, it's absolutely necessary. When I attempt to go off my medications I go into complete emotional shock. I can't function in all aspects of life whether it be as a wife, an assistant at work, a friend, a daughter, etc. I shut down and make a mess of myself and those I love most. Spend one day with me when I am non-medicated and you will be ready to pull your hair out. It's intolerable.
What do you do? What do I do? I choose to take it day by day. 3 weeks ago I was ready to completely purge myself of my personal holy grail of vices: Nicotine, Lexapro and Caffiene. I failed. I'm smoking again. I do plan on stopping soon again. I know know my triggers and have made plans to avoid them. Caffeine was a sucess. I've cut down signifigantly. Lexapro. Different story. I went for 5 days completely off of it. I broke down on my way to work, at work, at lunch I would call my mother sobbing, go back to work, break down in the bathroom, come home, pick fights with Alan, cry again, repeat. I am down to 2.5 mgs now, so I'm still on the way slow slope to being Lexapro free. I'm not so pressured about these vices anymore as we've decided to wait until summer to start thinking about having a kid. This makes it better to me, almost as if I have permission to fuck up.
Monday, January 21, 2008
Perhaps I should be worried about my weight.
But I'm not.
It's always been a touchy subject with me. I fought long and hard with my mind to accept that I'd never be a size four or six or even ten. I'm a big girl even at my most fit. I won this battle with my mind and have been at peace with my self image ever since.
I've been told by friends that my self confidence is catching and that in being around me they to feel more confident. Is this because I am bigger than them and they in turn feel smaller around me? Maybe in part, but I think there is more to it.
It's called Act It, Feel It, Be It. And I do it every day. ACT confident about yourself and in turn you will FEEL confident which will then MAKE YOU confident. This saying works on many different levels and has gotten me through many bad days.
Back to the weight issue. Being a bigger person in society is hard. It's one of the only medical conditions, besides skin conditions & deformities, that you can see on the outside of a person. There is so much pressue to be thin and look perfect, it's absolutely insane!
What I'd really like to say is that before you beat yourself up for not losing weight or for how you look stop and think about why you are doing it. Is it for you or is it for someone else? And what are you going to do about it besides complain? Because let me tell you, I have mentally left many a conversation when people start complaining about their weight or naming what they ate that day. How boring can you get?
There are so many good things about being your daughter I don't even know when to start. Well, let me just say, like I've said before, when I get older and have a moment when I say "Oh my God, I've turned into my Mother", I won't mind at all. When others close to me say the same thing I will hold my head high and take it as the highest compliment.
You have always let me be me. When I was a little girl and wanted to wake up on my own and do my own hair you didn't cry because you didn't get to do those things anymore. You let me do it myself and taught me along the way. You let me pick out my own outfits and when I wanted to shave my legs you didn't say, "Oh no, you're not old enough!", you bought me a safe razor and showed me how. When I wanted to wear makeup and wasn't allowed I did it anyway. Instead of fighting with me we went and picked out sheer, Bonne Belle & Maybelline colors.
When I used to cry about my weight and how ugly I thought I was you were always there holding me and assuring me that I was not. You always listened to me and never told me I was silly or absurd. After all, those were my feelings.
You comforted me always in the middle of the night when I had night terrors. I would be too afraid to come wake you up so instead I would cry, "MOM!" in bed. Now that I am older and work 8 hour days I know how frustrating it must have been to wake up and come comfort a child. But you did it. You love me!
You've guided me along as a mother first and a best friend second. When I made the decision to move to North Carolina 2 years ago you were sad but you supported me the whole way. This was so difficult for you, and for me you should know. You knew that my happiness was important and I really respect you for that. Now I am so happy with the man I love but still missing my Mommy.
Sometimes when I think about being away from you I cry and cry. The thought of another year not close to you makes me almost physically ill and makes my heart literally ache. But I want you to know I'll be home. We'll be together again soon. We have to! I want you to be a grandmother to my children and I want to take care of you when you get really old. Really, I do.
I love you Momma and I can't think of a better Mother out there than you.
Something You May Never Understand
I am not a martyr, sometimes when I cry it is not for me, but for you.
I think only of my place in life and how it intertwines and tangles with yours.
Let's be clear that no one ever said I wasn't selfish but sometimes this pain is not mine to bear, but yours. You own it and afflict it most times unknowingly upon me. Sometimes I suffer in silence and other times I cry out loud. My temperment is so that my pain lashes out in the form of anger and bitterness, and oh yes, I'll make you hurt too. It makes my personality hurt, for this is not the real me. This is the little girl inside that never learned to cope in a healthy way, but only to get her way and break everyone down who stands in her way.
I'm stronger than you, I'm more vibrant and I'm certainly more vocal about my needs. I've been called brash, blunt, bossy and even a bitch with good intentions, these things I will admit to. But understand it's part of my personality and something that I can work on toning down but will never go away. We can talk, I can take medicine to help with the depression, but underneath all the jokes, laughing and smiles I am still the little broken person trying to sweep up her shattered pieces.
November 18, 2006
This week was boring. Of course, it was short, I came home Tuesday evening from Tulsa.
I guess I should be thankful nothing bad happened this week.
Alan took off this weekend at the last minute to go home. His sister from St. Louis is in town, so I understand. It always cracks me up how his family just does things at the last minute. Let me re-phrase that - it always irritates the crap out of me that they do things at the last minute! For example I got the email invite to come to Mooresville this weekend on Thursday. I book my weekends in advance and I know that sounds snobby, but it's true! I have a lot of friends and like to get a lot of fun in on the weekend. I'm also a very regimented person....I need a week for trips requiring driving more than 2 hours. I have to mentally prepare myself for a weekend with the Momma Pautsch.
Oh God, my new last name will be Pautsch (pouch). Horrors of Horrors!!
Last night I bought a makeup starter kit for Nelka. It was so much fun! I just bought her some simple items: 2 eyeshadows, mascara, blush, eyeliner and lipgloss. She has beautiful skin so we didn't feel like she needed foundation. It was really fun because Nelka is African American so I got to pick a lot of different colors that I normally pass over. I'll see her tonight and we'll go over how to apply it.
I really miss home and it's so easy for me to fantasize about just packing everything up and leaving when things get rough. I get very wary of being an adult sometimes and taking care of everything. And I don't even take care of everything because Alan does - so imagine how I would feel if I were REALLY a responsible adult! I just feel out of control a lot of the time. My house is a complete disaster, my car is a mess, my tags are 2 years old, my bedroom keeps shrinking, the cat keeps barfing, etc.....I'm very much a momma's girl and I just want to go, "MMMMMOOOMMMM!! - come fix it for me!
Someone shoot me with a tranquilizer gun, please.
Repost from Sept 16th, 2006
I'm finally ready to write about this. Not to notify the world, per se, but to help me heal.
September 16, 2006
I was pregnant for two weeks. And in those two weeks I relished in the idea of life, of love, of happiness and of peaceful content. People looked upon me differently, spoke to me in gentle tones and asked about my well being with positive concern in their voice. I radiated with the love, the attention and the dream of having a child. For once in my life it was not about me. For once in my life I had a purpose greater than just exsisting. I had a point, a goal, an idea and inside of me, a beautiful dream was just beginning.
Then I bled.
The doctors visit confirmed it. I had a miscarriage. The ultrasound would show me. Where a baby would have a been was a salt and pepper television screen staring back at me. I felt cheated, angry, disappointed and incredibly sad.
I try and concentrate on the good things, like how I can go about my life in a normal way. I can drink with my friends and stay out late and behave in a reckless fashion. I can plan my wedding.....It's very hard though, and it's a day by day progress. I guess I thought I would deal with this like, "Okay, I had a miscarriage, life sucks, cry about it and move on". But this hurt is much more deep than that.
It's funny that what was an accident turned out to be something we wanted so bad, only to have the accident erased from our lives.
Sunday, January 20, 2008
But that didn't stop us from pretending to have snow yesterday. Alan, Phil, John and I had an all day, non-stop "24" marathon. First season. It was awesome. That show is pure crack. I feel guilty for not doing anything constructive yesterday.
Alan is going to trade his F150 truck down for a Honda Fit see here. It will be a good trade down and we'll save money from gas and the car payment will probably be less than what we pay now. I'm really excited for him. I hope I get to drive it too. We'll be buying a new car for me over the next year, the plan is to save up $2000 for a down payment and also use the trade in value on my sunfire I drive right now. I want a Mazda 3 5 door. Mazda 3 Series So if you'd like to contribute, talk to me. Ha!
We're getting ready to go over to Julie and Adam's to watch the game tonight. I am so excited for NY to win!
It'll be another busy week at work. I have so many "projects" at work right now I'm having a hard time concentrating on one until it gets done. So hopefully, I'll be able to complete one of them this week.
Friday, January 18, 2008
Lordamercy, Help us Jeebus!
Thursday, January 17, 2008
The Vocation of Servitude
Serve. Always hated that word. See, I'm not really a server per say. I am more of a serv-ee. I enjoy being taken care of at home, as I take care of people all day at my job. It's in my nature, my blood. I've grown up around a whole harem of women servers. Maybe server isn't a politically correct word. But I've grown up in a world where women are the fixers, the merry makers, the make rights. We live to be taken advantage of, to be thrown out without a second glance, our feelings never considered. Perhaps that is why I am so strong and why my mother, aunt and Grandma were so strong. But we're also crazy and mental illness runs rampant in my family.
It's a hard life always pretending and keeping your feelings inside. I get tired of swimming upstream and against the current. It's something I work on everyday, something I strive not to do. But it's hard to be yourself and not tear others down.
Tuesday, January 15, 2008
The New of Love
I was talking to someone about this today:
I have two friends are truely, deeply in love. It's been 3 months now they've been dating seriously and they are so sweet, so cute, so endearing to each other. It's really beautiful to see. It's a joy to be around them.
But then I got to thinking about the "new" of love. If everything goes as planned in my marriage, I'll never have that again. I'll never have those butterflies of when you go on your first date or when you wonder when they will call...the first time you kiss, first fight, first time you make love, etc. Never again!
So is it nothing but down from here? Do you trade butterflies for stability? Does society and its thoughts on marriage set us up for failure? Or am I alone in this thinking? Or, do you, as my friend stated, "start making babies!"?
Don't get me wrong, I'm not unhappy with my current marital status.
I'm so confused. What do you think?
Little White Haired Old Ladies
As I get older and older it becomes more apparent to me that Mom was right: The world does NOT, in fact, revolve around me. <-----that's all I have to say about that right now. Just one of those kick you in the ass self realization moments. Isn't it special?
I had an interesting day:
Interesting Moment 1: I had to go to the gas station first thing in the morning. I went to the one in Garner off of 70 and Hammond. When I get there the employee in charge is pacing around yelling "Danny, Danny are you okay?!?" so I ask her what is going on and if I can help. She says there is a homeless man in the bathroom having a seizure again. She's asking me if I can hear him in there and if I know what to do. I tell her we need to call the ambulance. She replies "Last time I called 911 on him he got mad at me." At this point I go to the mens bathroom which is locked and knock on the door "Sir? Sir are you okay?" I hear a whole bunch of banging around and huffing and puffing in there, clearly, he's in distress. I tell the employee again that we need to call 911 and she is busy ringing people up who are now lined up to the door because of the delay on account of the emergency. I asked her for the phone, dial 911, tell them we have a man either having a seizure or heart attack in the bathroom and definetely needs medical attention. 911 assures me they'll be there ASAP. The employee thanks me and I leave and go on my merry effing Monday way.
Interesting Moment 2: I like to call this one: Drive By "Oooh, Grandma Straight Up Told YOU!!". I'm at Target on my lunch hour picking up air fresheners for the house and there is a huge, burley lumberjack type guy with a gravely voice on his cell phone talking loudly. Now, I am not bothered by people talking on their cell phone when shopping, it just doesn't irritate me, oddly enough. All the sudden I see a white haired old lady on a motorized shopping cart yelling at this guy on his cell phone, "You need to get off the G*d damn phone, hang the fucking phone up! You have no manners!" Paul Bunyan raises his eyebrows and keeps talking to the other person on the phone with no response to Grandma's outburst. I am thinking that maybe this old woman was his mother or someone he knew, surely this sweet little old lady wouldn't yell at someone like that?!? I'm baffled and tickled pink and laughing. I ask the guy that the lumberjack was shopping with "Do you know her?!?" and he says "No! She was yelling like that at kids in the toy aisle earlier!" At this point the lumberjack gets off the phone and lets loose a whole string of curse words telling the little old lady off, even though she has since moved on, presumably to harass other Target patrons.
And that, my friends, was what I like to call an "interesting" day.
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