Sunday, June 29, 2008



"We're having depression!", I thought on my way home today. Like an unwanted and unwelcome dinner guest it sits at the head of my modge podge of a table and pushes my the friends away. He makes me feel as if I can concentrate on nothing else. Like a needy child, all my attention is on him. It brings me down. It makes me experience all moods in extremes. Nothing is level, nothing is sane. It's so much, I want (I NEED) him to vacate the premises. But like the weather there is little you can do and control. You have to wait for it to pass by and hope it's not a bad one.

Every time I experience depression I am always scared that it will be like the depression I experienced in my early 20's and it really frightens me. I was so bad back then, so unhealthy. I really couldn't handle it again. I always have a back up plan in my mind, "Okay, if this lasts longer than 3 days I am going to the doctor, I will get help" but luckily these depressions as of late have been really short. 3 days at the most. Just at the time I am ready to get help it goes away. I know I should probably talk to someone (professionally) but I just can't bring myself to do it. I've gone through this my whole life, I don't think I'd be the same without it. It's part of me. It's disgusting and raw and mean and angry, but it's me. I do want to fix it but I'm scared.

I cried, I sobbed, for 2 hours straight today. Over what? Many reasons I could think of but none of them legit. It's just me being me. That's the most frustrating thing about depression - there is no why. Nothing to point a finger at and certainly no one to blame.
All I can do is pretend I am okay and get better soon.

PS - if you read this and I see you on a daily basis I do not want to talk about it.

Friday, June 27, 2008


Marc Jacobs Brings a Tear to My Eye

Isn't it funny how smells will take you back and make you reminisce?

I bought a new *old* perfume today: Marc Jacobs original perfume.

Sephora describes it as "Notes: Gardenia, Wild Muguet, Skin Musk, Cedar, Ginger. Style: A blend that is lush and watery at once." It's such a summery scent and it reminds me of when Tammy and I first moved into our first apartment. Open World Garden Apartments on 61st and Lewis in Tulsa. Oh man those were some good times! We had just turned 21 and would go out all the time. Every Saturday night was the same. Around 7pm we'd start "getting ready" and by 9pm and 12 outfits later we'd be heading out the door to The Depot which is a local Tulsa bar. We'd sing karaoke and drink beer and close the bar down, stop at Taco Bell on the way home and then go home and pass out. Just as every Saturday night was the same, so was every Sunday. We'd have Hangover Sunday which consisted of us going to our parents house to do laundry all day and then eat dinner with them. Good times. But my point was during that whole time I wore that perfume and now I am wearing it again and it just makes me feel that time all over again! It's great!

Thursday, June 26, 2008


Mother Nature is Rad

I have a request for Mother Nature and it goes a little something like this, "Dear Mother Nature, or God if you wish to be called as I mean no defense, do you think you could turn the heat down a little bit? Granted you're perfect and everything happens for a reason, I am just feeling really gross and suffocated in this weather. It's just really unpleasant and I know myself and others are not enjoying in. Shouldn't we be out, basking in your glorious makings, frolicking in the sun and skipping around in the grass? Yea, well that's not happening. Why? It's too fucking hot!!!"

If only I were in Cancun. I could deal with being hot in Cancun. Hot in Raleigh? Yea, not so fabulous.

In other news did you hear about what went down in the Supreme Court today? Pretty radical. Read about it here because I don't want to make this blog all about this topic. Being a constitutionalist but not a huge fan of guns I am conflicted about this. What do you think?

So it looks like I'm going to "the mountains" for the 4th of July holiday. At first I was like "Eww, camping and fishing? NOT." But then I found out we would be staying in an air conditioned condo and then I was like "Allllrrrriiiigght, I can handle that". BONUS - I've never been to the mountains. Well, only once when I drove through them with Tammy on our way from Tulsa to Raleigh. So I am quite excited. Apparently there will be some fishing involved which pretty much means, to me, that I will be throwing my hook and line into trees, bushes, other fishers, innocent bystanders, or if it actually makes it into the water I will be catching logs and rocks. Statistically speaking that is.

Tuesday, June 24, 2008


This Blog is Boring, just a warning.

I feel like I need a hobby other than drinking every weekend and taking lots of pictures of myself and friends doing just that. I know that sounds horrible, but that's basically what I do every weekend. No, it's not all day every day, but it's definetely something we do every weekend. I do enjoy having everyone over and talking though - I don't want that to go away.

Sewing - I suppose I could try again, but last time it was very frustrating.

Knitting? Yea, I could try that. (again)

Painting? Yes, I could definetely get into that.

Oh here is one: Re-doing my kitchen. I've been talking about it for a year but have yet to act on it. So I'm setting a date here and now to remove the wallpaper. Not this weekend, but next. This weekend I have Jen & Cory's housewarming party, Phil's birthday and Alicia's baby shower. It's going to be a fun weekend! So yea, weekend after next.

I've been reading a lot lately. I've been going through about a book a week. I haven't been watching TV at all. I only turn it .. I go to bed for the noise. I may try and ween myself off of that too. Not that I'm trying to be all high and mighty about not watching TV, I just noticed I haven't been tuning in and I'm really not missing it. Although I am wasting a lot of time on the internet, but that's my guilty pleasure.

I feel pretty content and at ease today. Even at work. It's getting a little easier to multi-task and get into the groove of my new position. I like the fact that I am very needed in my position and that I am challenged mentally every day by the tasks I do. The challenging part is the accounting, which is actually very interesting. I do like it! Of course I do have help and I really, REALLY, appreciate it. I can't wait until Julie comes back from vacation next week so we can really develop her professionally. This girl is really going to take off, I can just feel it.

Guess that's all now. I did warn you after all that this was kind of a boring blog.

What, you think I'm here to entertain you or something?

Monday, June 23, 2008



We have new roomates. They live in the attic and they look like this:

You can learn more about The Little Brown Bat here.

Apparently they've been squatting in our attic for months, under our radar. Yesterday when I asked Alan to put something in the attic he quickly came back down and shut the hatch very quickly and said "Oh. My. God." And when I asked him what it was he says "Oh no, you don't want to know!" so I finally got him to tell me that there were indeed 20-50 bats sleeping in the attic. Nice. So today we had a wild life specialist come out to remove them but guess what? Not only have they been living rent free in my house, they have been busy procreating and since baby bats can't fend for themselves they cannot be removed until August. Bats are federally protected on a conservation status so to eliminate them from homes they place a screen up that the bats can fly out of but not back into the home. Since there are babies, the parents would leave and die. We can't have that happen now, can we?

So until August we have these special visitors. Don't worry if you come over to the house, they cannot get into the house. The attic is taped up and the chimney is secure. Plus, they want to stay up there anyway.

I am not that freaked out about it. 1.) There is not anything I can do about it, 2.) It's a myth that bats carry rabies more than any other ferral animal and 3.) My facsination with wildlife and ugly unwanted animals prevents me from wanting to harm or freak out. (except for bugs).

Friday, June 20, 2008


El Busho F'd Up My Commute!

Guess who's visiting Raleigh today? El Busho. As in President Bush. I really wouldn't be so concerned or even interested in this event except for one very big reason. The Bushwacker totally fucked me over on my drive home. I-40 was closed. The Beltline was closed. The side roads were completely full and cram packed of idiots trying to find an alternate way home. What kind of asshole gets highways closed for him on a Friday afternoon at rush hour? What the hell? Couldn't he have just took a helicopter from the airport to the event site? And this wasn't even an important visit. It was for Charlotte Mayor Pat McCrory's campaign. Private event at some Raleigh big wig's home.

Here's a tip. When trying to gain support for election perhaps you would want a president that people actually approve of.

Whatevs. I cannot wait until we get another President in the White House. Unless it's McCain in which case I think we may as well keep Bush in office. I know, I know, they say McCain is a liberal republican and very different than Bush, but do you know what that means to me? Bullshit. Complete horse crap.

Can you see why I don't talk politics that much anymore? Because I will have a nervous breakdown it's something I am so passionate about! So I tend to keep it quiet to myself these days but when someone messes with my already hellish commute home from work, it's fair game I'll say.

I had planned on cleaning house tonight but the whole El Busho thing pissed me off so that I simply can't imagine hobnobbing around the house tonight making it clean. Besides, the boys need to help me. Yes, I said boys, as in plural. Alan and John (his brother). John is a welcome addition to the house. I adore my brother in law and he's just so sweet and mellow. We'll see what his attitude is when I ask him to pitch in around the house though. I refuse to be either one of those boys mothers, I'll tell you that right now.

In other news, I worked A LOT this week. It was very challenging. Which is good. I'm even going to do some leg work this weekend on some catering I have to arrange for some meetings simply because I do not have enough time to do it next week.

There is a wedding this weekend! Robyn and Justin are getting married. I am so excited! I love weddings. Good times, people are happy, energy is good, you always leave with a smile on your face.

Wednesday, June 18, 2008

Today I learned that it's all but impossible to catch up on a weeks worth of work in one day. Yup. Not going to happen,

Julie's first day was today and she did great! She's going to be a great fit into our little team. I'm very excited and happy to be working with one of my best friends.

This weekend we have a wedding to go to. I got a new dress, and that's really why I am so excited about going. So I can dress up. There, I said it. I'm honest, what can I say?

I got several compliments on my green eyeshadow today. It's by Two Faced Cosmetics. I was skeptical at first of trying their products but now I am confident in their performance. I've only tried the eyeshadow though. I may be primed to by more now, as if I need any more makeup in my bag-o-tricks.

So I'm convinced that since we have a dog living with us now (Alan's brothers Dog, Otto) that I should be allowed to have one too. And I want a miniature dachshund. A red one. Just like Mom's dog, Minnie, which is my default picture. I love their floppy silky ears and sleek hair. I want I want I want!!

I turned in my paperwork to get a replacement title on my car when I was in OK. I hope it doesn't take too long to get here and that there are no problems. I want a new car so bad! I've been driving the Sunfire since 2002.

I want to convince Alan to the Planters Peanut guy for Halloween. I just think it would be so funny. Yes, I'm already thinking of Halloween. This years party will be even better than last years!

How much cleavage is appropriate for work? I am asking because everything I own shows a bit. And I cannot tolerate wearing tank tops underneath in the summer days. People are just going to have to deal with it. I mean, it's not like an ass crack to where people giggle and smirk. Really, people just stare and I don't really care. They are boobs. And I'm not showing a great amount of them, just a smidge. I can't help that if all the plus sized clothes I have to buy show them off. So there.

Tuesday, June 17, 2008


Back in North-Cack-A-Lacky

I am home.

I walked in the door and instantly started a slow but steady sob that turned into a 5 minute cryfest. When will I ever get over that? I am always so meloncholy on my day back to Raleigh from Tulsa. It's a sadness that burns in my heart and suffocates me with sadness, knowing that this (raleigh) is now my home.

And it's not as if I don't love it here. I love Raleigh. I have great friends, a good job, a wonderful husband, loving's just never home to me. But it is. It is home now. This is where I have grown up in my later 20's. We bought a house here, got married here, etc. It should "feel" as if it's home. But it doesn't. It always feels like it's not forever, mainly because I don't want it to be forever.

I miss my real home.

I resisted the urge to go straight to bed with a bottle of Nyquil and sleep off my sadness. (now I am thinking, how lame is that? Nyquil, really? Surely I would have something better to ease the pain?!? but no). Instead I unpacked and cleaned up my room a bit. All while sobbing, just thinking of being back in Tulsa and how much I miss it already.

I am grateful that tomorrow at work I will have a busy day with lots of catching up to do. Julie starts tomorrow and I will be showing her the ropes, so we'll be busy all day. That will keep my mind off the sadness.

I did get to make peace with my Father this time around. I had lunch with him and everything was good. I also got to see Kyle, my brother who I never really got to grow up with because of our tumultuous childhood. Kyle is doing really well. Still doing the carnival thing, although I was advised not to call him a carnie. In a strange way, I envy his choice of life. Always on the move, hard, physical labor, interesting characters...but that type of life would never be for me. As it turns out, it works perfect for him. He is very happy, and that makes me happy.

Friday, June 13, 2008


Mmm hmmm

So here I am again, in Tulsa. Words can't express how good it feels to be at home. Unless you've been away and come back with open arms I don't think you can understand what "home" really means. I love it here. Yet there are so many conflicts in my mind when here. It's confusing as I'm so happy in my life in NC, and almost feel guilty for being so happy so far away from my Mom.

My mother and I have a very close, very intense love for each other. We've both been there for each other through very hard times.

At Mimi's the other morning we cracked up for 30 minutes at a rude noise the ketchup bottle was making. As soon as we would stop, I would make the noise again, and there we would go again, laughing until we are in stitches. You don't get that with a lot of people. I can name them here: Mom, Tammy, Michelle, Jamie and Lynnette. That I have that sort of relationship with my Mom is priceless.

I've been praying for a thunderstorm since I got here and I think we are getting ready to have a mini one. Something must be very wrong for me to wish for severe weather, but I'm just being honest. In another, secret life I want to be one of those storm chasers. Mother nature amazes me, it's rapture and wrath. Just that you have no control over a bad storm is the turn on with me - I think. Maybe I am just wierd.

I have gotten to eat Taco Bueno. I found a papertown/paper napkin in my beef crunchy potato burrito and it kind of turned me off. So I've only had Taco Bueno once since I got here where normally I would have already had it 5 times. My colon thanks me.

I just got off the phone with Alan and everything is going well in NC. My good friend Michelle Z. is in the hospital getting ready to give birth to her second son! I am so excited but sad I'm not going to be there for it. I cannot wait to meet the new family member.

It's really hard typing on a laptop, so I'm ending here, but I'll write later. And I will have lots of pictures to post when I get back!

Friday, June 6, 2008

I'm addicted to

You know, the cheap little flavor pops that come in the plastic tubes? Yes, I love them. It's pretty much my "thing" right now. I like to take one out of the freezer, run it under hot water for a few seconds and then enjoy. You read that right, I like them partially melted. Yum! I even made a dreaded trip to hell, I mean Walmart, to stock up. This is serious.

In other news: It's HOT. I don't care for it. My house, which is a split level gets pretty warm upstairs even with the AC running. Right now the AC is set on 77 and it's 80 degrees upstairs and it will not cool down. 80 degrees is tolerable when you're just lazing around but when you are trying to clean house it's a bit toasty. I should be thankful though. My bedroom is downstairs and it's much cooler down there. And hey, at least we have AC!

I had planned on going to the beach this weekend but have now decided against it. I just feel like the trip down there in my car with no AC then laying on the beach all day in 100 degree weather then driving back home might prove to be a bit much. So I'm not really sure what I'll be up to this weekend. I need to get a dress for a wedding I'll be going to the weekend after my Tulsa trip.

Speaking of my Tulsa trip - I'll be home on Wednesday! I'm so excited!!

Anyway, hope everyone has a great weekend.

Thursday, June 5, 2008


No More Frankenwagon

Big Bummer Alert:

We are returning the Dodge Caliber. The short of the long is that first of all, Alan and I should have done more research before purchasing, and second of all, I should have made sure to have the title on my Sunfire because guess what? You cannot trade a car in with no title. So because we had no trade in value, and no down payment the loan was going to be off the hook high. We could finance it of course, but it wouldn't be a good thing financial thing to do. So really the best thing to do is return the car and try again later this month when we have the title to my Sunfire and a down payment to go along with it.

I go home on Wednesday and I can take care of the title issue then.

I let myself be all upset angry and bitchy about it last night and now I have a new attitude about the whole thing. I was also feeling embarrased thinking of having to tell all my friends and co-workers about what happened, but now I don't really care. They won't judge me, we've all made little mistakes like this. I figure the only thing that was going to make the situation bearable would be to have a good attitude about it and not freak out and realize it's not the end of the world. Because it's not the end of the world. It was a mistake, and now we have learned a lesson. I'm okay with that.

I am however a little miffed that this week, of course, we will be having record high temps for June in Raleigh. And of course, as I noted before, THE F*CKING SUNFIRE DOES NOT HAVE AC.


Sunday, June 1, 2008


The Frankenwagon

I got a new car! No more A/C broke, front window shattered, expired Oklahoma tags from '04, drivers door leaks when it rains Pontiac Sunfire! I had really good luck from my Sunfire. It was 2003 when I bought it and for the 2 years following I loved it. It was my little red ladybug. Then the A/C broke and I lost all respect for the car. It was all down hill from there. I also had amazing luck with the tags. I moved to NC in 2004 and I never got my tags switched. Yes, that's right. For the past 4 years I have been driving around with expired tags and dodging cops cars left and right. It's a wonder of God I never ever got pulled over and I feel like I can brag about it now. :) Tee-hee.

My new car is a 2008 Dodge Caliber. I test drove and looked at Toyota Matrix, Pontiac Vibe and Nissan Versa. They were all so small! It was like driving the Sunfire only with 4 doors. I really wanted a hatchback/wagon/almost crossover vehicle and not a sedan and certainly not an SUV. The whole point of me getting a new car was to prepare for one day having some kiddos, and you need a lot of room for that. The new Dodge, which I have nicknamed the Frankenwagon, gets just as much gas mileage as my Sunfire does and has a lot of cool perks. Like power windows and locks, satellite radio, kick ass stereo system, a huge truck and of course, A/C!! And it's silver, which is one of the colors I wanted. I'm lovin' it.

Here is a picture of the car I got:

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