Sunday, June 29, 2008



"We're having depression!", I thought on my way home today. Like an unwanted and unwelcome dinner guest it sits at the head of my modge podge of a table and pushes my the friends away. He makes me feel as if I can concentrate on nothing else. Like a needy child, all my attention is on him. It brings me down. It makes me experience all moods in extremes. Nothing is level, nothing is sane. It's so much, I want (I NEED) him to vacate the premises. But like the weather there is little you can do and control. You have to wait for it to pass by and hope it's not a bad one.

Every time I experience depression I am always scared that it will be like the depression I experienced in my early 20's and it really frightens me. I was so bad back then, so unhealthy. I really couldn't handle it again. I always have a back up plan in my mind, "Okay, if this lasts longer than 3 days I am going to the doctor, I will get help" but luckily these depressions as of late have been really short. 3 days at the most. Just at the time I am ready to get help it goes away. I know I should probably talk to someone (professionally) but I just can't bring myself to do it. I've gone through this my whole life, I don't think I'd be the same without it. It's part of me. It's disgusting and raw and mean and angry, but it's me. I do want to fix it but I'm scared.

I cried, I sobbed, for 2 hours straight today. Over what? Many reasons I could think of but none of them legit. It's just me being me. That's the most frustrating thing about depression - there is no why. Nothing to point a finger at and certainly no one to blame.
All I can do is pretend I am okay and get better soon.

PS - if you read this and I see you on a daily basis I do not want to talk about it.

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