Sunday, June 29, 2008
Every time I experience depression I am always scared that it will be like the depression I experienced in my early 20's and it really frightens me. I was so bad back then, so unhealthy. I really couldn't handle it again. I always have a back up plan in my mind, "Okay, if this lasts longer than 3 days I am going to the doctor, I will get help" but luckily these depressions as of late have been really short. 3 days at the most. Just at the time I am ready to get help it goes away. I know I should probably talk to someone (professionally) but I just can't bring myself to do it. I've gone through this my whole life, I don't think I'd be the same without it. It's part of me. It's disgusting and raw and mean and angry, but it's me. I do want to fix it but I'm scared.
I cried, I sobbed, for 2 hours straight today. Over what? Many reasons I could think of but none of them legit. It's just me being me. That's the most frustrating thing about depression - there is no why. Nothing to point a finger at and certainly no one to blame.
All I can do is pretend I am okay and get better soon.
PS - if you read this and I see you on a daily basis I do not want to talk about it.
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