Monday, January 21, 2008


Repost from Sept 16th, 2006

I'm posting some of my favorite blogs previously posted on myspace.


I'm finally ready to write about this. Not to notify the world, per se, but to help me heal.
September 16, 2006

I was pregnant for two weeks. And in those two weeks I relished in the idea of life, of love, of happiness and of peaceful content. People looked upon me differently, spoke to me in gentle tones and asked about my well being with positive concern in their voice. I radiated with the love, the attention and the dream of having a child. For once in my life it was not about me. For once in my life I had a purpose greater than just exsisting. I had a point, a goal, an idea and inside of me, a beautiful dream was just beginning.

Then I bled.

The doctors visit confirmed it. I had a miscarriage. The ultrasound would show me. Where a baby would have a been was a salt and pepper television screen staring back at me. I felt cheated, angry, disappointed and incredibly sad.

I try and concentrate on the good things, like how I can go about my life in a normal way. I can drink with my friends and stay out late and behave in a reckless fashion. I can plan my wedding.....It's very hard though, and it's a day by day progress. I guess I thought I would deal with this like, "Okay, I had a miscarriage, life sucks, cry about it and move on". But this hurt is much more deep than that.

It's funny that what was an accident turned out to be something we wanted so bad, only to have the accident erased from our lives.

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