On the way home the thoughts and worries sneak up on me. I am plagued with the what if's and wish I wouldn't haves. Things I would say if I had the chance, if I had the guts or the bravery. The shame and the cowardness waltz in. It's a sad, sad affair and all but hopeless if I let myself believe my doubts. I just need to get it all out, to talk to him, but I can't. I'm waiting for the infamous right time. I'll set a date in my mind and that date will pass and I'll set another. It's not too late to set it right. I feel like I'm too emotional about the whole matter as of right now and if I do try and speak to him I'll just end up crying. Then, when crying, I will get angry and decide to take it out on him, to make him feel the pain too. This is how I always end up looking like an immature, condescending brat upon confrontation. I've thought about writing letters but I know he doesn't like to read and would probably have someone else read it for him and that makes my stomach turn ill, to think she would read it.
On the way home today I also thought about a few other things like what to get Mom for Mother's Day, what to get Alan's Mom for Mother's Day, Amtrak tickets to Kannapolis, my upcoming trip to Tulsa which is now June 11-17th, Alan's birthday, John's Birthday, lawn maintenance, gutter maintenance, the cost of hiring a housecleaning service for once a month and a variety of other items.
God - I am tired! It snuck up on me today.
I am reading a really disturbing yet very entertaining book that Reuben's wife was kind enough to let me borrow. It is called Cruddy - by Lynda Barry
. The book has a way of working itself into my dreams and since this book is like a female written Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas, let's just say, I have not been sleeping well.