Wednesday, May 21, 2008
Wow. What a day I had! I have lots of changes and exciting yet scary things getting ready to happen in my professional life that I would love to blog about but don't feel right doing so just yet. Anyway, today at lunch with Julie my thoughts, worries and anxieties hit me like a ton of bricks. I'm having lunch with Jules and I realize I am talking a million words a minute, my heart is thumping violently in my chest and my hands are shaking. Then my lips started to get numb and I realized I was starting tunnel vision. I rushed out to my car and fidgeted around with the radio, messed with my hair, put some lip-gloss on, tried to breathe, you know...all very important, vital things. I thought okay, get it together, you have to go to Lowes to get fucking lightbulbs for work, and get back and arrange travel for co-workers and look into licensing for CO, CA and FL, oh, also order supplies, call the lawyer...and whoa, that was it. I started crying and drove off to Lowes. I purchased the stupid lightbulbs and went back to work and once I got there I was totally petrified to be back. I basically froze. Just totally scared. And I thought, how fucking embarrasing! I'm at work! I am here the majority of my time! Everything is familiar, it's safe here, people like and care about you here, CALM DOWN. But I couldn't. I wasn't in control of myself. I eventually went into Suzanne's office, closed the door, lay on the floor and tried to slow my breath and steady my heart. Suzanne was so sweet, she's such a great friend, she talked me down and eventually I came to my senses and calmed down.
It's horrible...I hold these things in and don't worry about them and then they come rushing back to me at the most inopportune time. Fortunately life has been really good to me for the past year and a half and I haven't had to experience panic attacks. I used to have them 2-3 times a month and it was such a horrible time for both me and those who cared about me. While I'd like to think positively, this could be a re-occuring thing for me of which I need to be prepared.
I'm not depressed, I am simply amped up and hyper feeling. But yet at 8:30 at night I am dead tired from being "on" all day and I just konk out.
So I'll continue to work on how I handle stress. It's not fair to those I love the most because only they get to see the real me and I've found myself snapping a lot lately.
Subscribe to Post Comments [Atom]
Subscribe to Posts [Atom]