Monday, March 24, 2008
Alan's family is Catholic and when we go home for the weekend it is expected for us to go to church. His mother is an uber conservative Church lady in uber conservative Mary Kay outfits, which is actually ironic, because her name is Mary Kay! Go figure. Anyway, nothing against my mother in law but I secretly think she thinks I am a heathen and that I took her son away from her and the Catholic church. I know this. Therefore I resent the fact that when I am at their house I am an assumed Christian made to go to Catholic church, which I enjoy just about as much as I like getting a root canal. Here are some of my observations:
When going to Mass, you will see all sorts. Hump-backed sweet little old ladies with a q-tip puff of cotton white hair, Asians, Blacks, Hispanics, White Upper Class, White Middle Class and Lower Middle Class. Love that.
I've been waiting for many, many years for the priest to hit me with his Holy Water simply so I can say to Alan "Ow, it burns!!". This has never happened and every Easter I get so close to being sprinkled, but it misses me every time.
The orchestra sucks.
This priest at the church really, really creeps me out. When he speaks spittle gathers at the corner of his mouth. So gross and disturbing this spittle is to me that I bury my head in the bible (this time I read the book of Ruth) while dodging disapproving glares from Alan's Mom.
You're not supposed to chew gum says Mary Kay, but I do anyway. Ha!
I always get trampled when everyone gets up for communion and I have to stay behind.
The only consolation prize for attending mass is the little kids who act innapropriately and scream and carry on.
Apparently the little bottles on the alter are not perfume bottles, but holy oil.
The pretty decorated box on the alter is not called the Jesus Box, it is the eucharist. Get it right or pay the price!
While I am not conservative by any means I do not find it in good taste to wear backless sundresses or swim suit cover ups to church. Yes, I saw this.
Now while these seem like complaints, and some of them are, I go to Mass with Alan's family for one reason and that reason is, are you ready....I do it out of respect for my Mother in law who believes in something with her entire being and I can respect that, and her. And we are only visiting every few months, what's it going to hurt me?
I'm still waiting on that Holy Water to hit me....
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